Brian Giles Fact #17


Although it may seem impossible, Brian Giles' on-base percentage is 117%.

Brian Giles Fact #16


According to the original United Nations Charter, Brian Giles would hold the ultimate power to veto any act that the 5 permanent members of the Security Council passed, and contrary to popular historical accounts, the Cold War was the result of Stalin's rejection of the original proposal.

Brian Giles Fact #15


In a recent press conference, the Vatican released their plan to build a new temple that will allow devoted Catholics and Christians (people of other faiths need to register with the Vatican's Office of Giles Affairs in order to secure a pass to the new temple) to come and worship the newly sainted San Diego Padres outfielder Brian Giles. The construction of the Temple of Giles will be finished by 2012, and the Vatican has planned a year-long holiday to pay tribute to Giles and the opening of the new temple.

Brian Giles Fact #14


In over 200 different countries, January 21st is designated as a national holiday to commemorate the birth of Brian Giles. In some countries, such as Japan, Germany, and Holland, special month-long festivals are held to honor and pay tribute to the Padres all-star right fielder.

Brian Giles Fact #13

10 Things Brian Giles invented:

1. Silly String
2. Sharpie Markers
3. Europe
4. Soap
5. Electric Lawnmower
6. Salsa (dancing)
7. Salsa (condiment)
8. The Beatles
9. Hair dye
10. President Truman

Brian Giles Fact #12


In 2017, a group of theoretical physicists created the first time machine and used it to go back in time to kill Adolf Hitler and prevent WWII. However, when they returned to 2017, they learned that a world without Hitler and WWII had somehow created a world without Brian Giles. Upon realizing this, the group of scientists determined that a world without Giles is not worth living in, and the atrocities of WWII are acceptable so that a great man like Brian might live, so they went back in time an allowed Hitler to live, so that the world would not be deprived of seeing Giles play baseball.

Brian Giles Fact #11


In 2003, in a game against the Houston Astros, nearly 23,000 fans almost died when Brian Giles hit a ball with so much power, that when it collided with the roof of the Astrodome it caused it to immediately collapse. The nearly 23,000 screaming fans were miraculously saved when Brian began slugging away the falling pieces of the roof. Since this event, Brian Giles has not been allowed to bat in any major league park with a roof.

Brian Giles Fact #10


The real reason why Gavrilo Princip assassinated the Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914, which was the act responsible for forcing most all of continental Europe into the 1st world war, was because the Duke had expressed Anti-Brian Giles sentiments.

Brian Giles Fact #9


Without Brian Giles, there would be no such thing as the San Diego Padres, or Major League Baseball.

Brian Giles Fact #8

Brian Giles has written over 350 mystery novels under the pen name Claire Rosenbaum.

Brian Giles Fact #7


In 2001, in a game against the Chicago Cubs, Brian Giles hit the ball with so much velocity, that it immediately killed, upon impact, an unsuspecting and unemployed Cubs fan. Luckily for the jobless, talentless, and unintelligent Cubs fan, Brian's sweat has the incredible power to heal all ailments, so while rounding the bases, Giles quickly wandered over to the dead fan, wiped the sweat from his brow and raised the young fan back from the dead.

Brian Giles Fact #6

Brian Giles holds three honorary doctorate degrees. He has one awarded by Harvard in Astrological Physics, one from Yale in Biological Chemistry, and another from Humboldt State University in Cultural and Ethnic Studies.

Brian Giles Fact #5


During the initial release of the video game Major League Baseball 2007, testers complained that every time they hit with Brian Giles they hit a home run, including when they tried to bunt. The game testers thought that this must be a simple programming mistake, but when Giles was reached for comment he said, "That's no glitch."

Brian Giles Fact #4

In 2006, a group of computer scientists, physicists, and engineers at MIT's research lab, developed a computer program that analyzed massive amounts of baseball data, and then, using this data, they would be able to determine and create the most perfect model for any given baseball position. The program was able to add, subtract, and combine features and characteristics from many different players and compile the very best into one complete and perfect model. Concerning their findings for pitching, the researchers at MIT discovered that the perfect pitcher would be a combination of Cy Young, Nolan Ryan, Sandy Koufax, Steve Carlton, and Walter Johnson. For batting, the computer program gave only one name, Brian Giles.

Brian Giles Fact #3

During the 2005 season, Brian Giles was asked to pitch for the Padres when mysteriously all the starting, relieving, and closing pitchers contracted a rare form the Mongolian Bird Flu and had to be quarantined. Brian surprised all the critics on that fateful Monday evening, when he stepped out onto the pitching mound and threw 81 consecutive strikes, for 27 consecutive outs, and the 1st of many "perfect games" he would have throughout his career. Although Giles can at any time pitch a perfect game, his true passion is for playing in right field.

Brian Giles Fact #2

In 1998, a young pitcher named Charlie Cogan hit Brian Giles in the back with a poorly thrown slider. Brian swore that from that day on, whenever he faced Cogan he would hit a grand slam. Since that brisk Thrusday night in 1998, Giles has faced Cogan a total of 17 times, each time hitting a grand slam.

Brian Giles Fact #1

In 2003, Brian Giles met with Ronnie McFarlane, a 12 year old boy dying of a rare form of lung cancer. Ronnie had only one last request before he passed on, and that was that his favorite Padres player hit a home run for him in the big game against the LA Dodgers. Brian thought this request was rather modest, so he told Ronnie that he would not hit only one home run, but he would hit 5 homers on 5 consecutive pitches. Many close to Ronnie thought that this promise was to audacious and that when Brian would not be able to hit the 5 homers he promised, Ronnie's spirits would be dramatically damaged. But, on that fateful Tuesday night, Brian "Home Run King" Giles stepped up to the plate 5 times, homering on first pitch thrown each time. Miraculously, Giles performance lifted Ronnie's spirits so much, that his body naturally began fighting off the cancer, and within 2 months Ronnie completely recovered.

This is, of course, the first time in the history of professional sports, that a players performance actually cured a disease.

This is the essence of Brian Giles. His hitting has the ability to cure cancer.